Another Day, Another Shooting... And It Needs To Stop!

You know, I just don't know.  As my work day was winding down today, I saw the notification on my phone that yet another shooting has happened in Northern California, and again it involved innocent children.  That is the part that gets me every time.  I just can't make any sense out of how killing innocent people, and especially children, brings closure to a person.  I don't understand how someone is supposed to hear an individual and what they are trying to say when they make the CHOICE to commit such horrible acts.  That's right, it is a choice.  How does one make a choice to take away a child's opportunity to fulfill their dreams, to take away their families, and for them to not be able to bring their talents to the world where that talent could've been the most positive change for humankind.  The elementary children were doing what they were supposed to be doing, going to school and going through the process of learning skills and learning about themselves.  I work with students everyday with one goal.  That goal is to help give them the skills to be a better person, to express feelings appropriately, and hopefully that allows them to be better set up to take advantage of those opportunities that come along to help them become more successful.  I don't know if I have the words to truly express how I am feeling, but I just struggle with these situations.  One of the reports that came out hours after the initial report, is that there would have been more victims at the school, but they had options with their lockdown procedures.  They had the information and they locked down the school appropriately, which authorities have already stated that those choices had saved a number of lives.  The sad thing is that when I was in school, we didn't have to perform lockdown drills.  Not only do we have lockdown drills now, but there have been enough of these incidents to be able to learn from them.  Schools are now changing how they do their lockdown procedures in schools and it is making a difference.  I don't know if the school or schools that successfully locked down used a more traditional style of lockdown, or if they used the newer style that is more effective, but lives were saved.  I will be curious to learn more about that.  What baffles me the most is that nothing changes.  I am not here to be political, because it is not my right to state how anyone else views things in the world.  I will say that this is not a political issue.  This is a matter of people's lives.  We have children that get killed in these acts of pure stupidity before they even have a chance to chose a political side in life, so it is not about politics here.  We watch 49 people get killed in Orlando, we watch 58 get killed with over 500 injured in Las Vegas, and still nothing.  I am a problem solver when there is an issue.  To solve a problem it starts with a conversation.  What concerns me is that it doesn't appear that a conversation has even started.  It shouldn't matter which party you favor, how much money one has, whether your male or female, or transgender, gay, lesbian, white, black, or any other nationality, it is time to sit down and start talking and problem solving.  Disagree in those conversations, that's fine, but at least be respectful enough to have the conversation.  I don't have the answers and it is not my place to say what we should do, because I am just one opinion, and it will take more than one person to problem solve this situation.  Fortunately, I have been trained to know my options in a situation of an active shooter and I am grateful for that.  I hope that I am able to teach those options to the people I care about and I hope to do it soon.  The schools get the media attention because the innocent children being killed should get the attention, of everybody.  The reality is that these active shooter situations can happen anywhere.  They happen more in private businesses than they do in schools.  In fact, at last check, 40% of all active shooter situations are in private businesses.  I already mentioned a nightclub in Orlando and a concert in Las Vegas, but they have also happened in restaurants, at a political event in Arizona, at a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, and I am not even done processing the one that happened just nine days ago in a church in Texas that killed 26 more people, and a high number of children.  That is just a few mass shootings that don't involve schools. Today's shooting involved a guy that went to seven different locations before being fatally shot. It blows my mind how someone got to seven different places before being caught, but it tells you that each situation is different and it can happen anywhere.  I end this with the message that I am not going to give up.  I am not going to change my plans because of the what ifs.  I hope that I never have to be in a real situation to use the skills I was trained in.  I don't wish that on anybody, especially innocent children that deserve to live a long and full life.  As after every active shooter situation is learned about, I hope the conversation can begin. Be Kind To Everyone.

A.L.I.C.E

ALERT     LOCKDOWN     INFORM     COUNTER     EVACUATE

Endorsed By FEMA, Department Of Homeland Security, Department of Homeland Security, Department of Education, and many more.

Express Your Feelings Appropriately

I don't know, I just don't know.  I find myself just not knowing how to express my feelings appropriately on this one.  I work with students day in and day out and I find myself telling them often to express their feelings appropriately.  I tell them not to bottle it up inside because it will find a way out and that usually comes out sideways.  I am using some common vocabulary from within the walls of the Refocus Room at my job, which to many outside the walls of where I work, sounds a little foreign.

Usually when something comes out sideways, it isn't positive.  More than likely it comes out angry, hurt, or with some type of sadness.  This is where I kind of find myself right now, even though I don't really want to, and it isn't really deserving of that kind of attention.  I will explain...

I recently was notified by a relative on my biological father's side of the family, and I was asked if I had talked to him recently.  I responded by saying that it had been a while and that I don't think there is much interest there to recover a relationship.  Believe me when I say that I know how important a father is in a child's life, but yet I understand when there are circumstances that require a parent to not be in the picture.  It was brought to my attention that my dad had a potentially serious health issue going on and I thought I would reach out to him after receiving the news.  Now, as I have mentioned before in a previous blog post,  Open Letter To The Sarych Family , I have made several attempts to reconnect with my dad.  While there were a couple of meals, and brief encounters, nothing ever came of that, which is unfortunate.

My dad and I never truly saw eye to eye, but I was always willing to reason.  Since the fallout, I have learned that it isn't about who did what wrong, and it isn't about calling out the other and blaming them.  I know that I didn't make all the right choices, but neither did he.  My dad did come to my wedding in 2006, but never showed the interest to "be involved", or pick up the phone.

So, with this recent news, I picked up the phone and called him.  He answered with, "Hello, this is Mike."  So, I talked to him briefly.  You could tell that he wasn't interested in the phone call as the cold tone could've been grabbed right through the phone.  I asked him what is new and I asked him about his health situation.  He quickly explained what was to happen, and then quickly ended with well I will let you go.  I am a pretty good reader of feelings as that is part of my job on a daily basis, and that conversation by my dad was as emotionally free as it gets.  I was not surprised, but I thought with a potential health crisis in the near future, that it would put the big picture in perspective.  I was not upset after the brief phone conversation, because I have become numb to this situation constantly turning out this way.  I just didn't understand.

In that phone conversation, I offered to be at the hospital in person for support.  I also asked for him to call me after his next doctor appointment with an update of what the plan is.  All my intentions were was to be supportive.  I was understanding that this situation was being classified as a 9 out of 10 on the risk factor, so I put everything in the past and behind and simply opened the door by asking if he wanted me there.  He told me no.  I also did not get any follow up phone calls after the appointment which left me in the dark.  So, I continued to reach out and I texted him to see what the update was.  The reason why I sent a text instead of making another call was that I didn't want it to be uncomfortable for him and cause any extra stress.  So when I sent the text, I got a response saying that things were not as serious as once thought and surgery was not needed.  He stated it was a relief. I responded by saying, "I bet it is,"  and then it went dead air.  So, I took the plunge and asked him if he had any interest in reconnecting with me at all.  He responded with "I don't want to answer that right now."  I told him that I felt like the timing was appropriate as health situations tend to make people look at the big picture.  I told him that it is now his choosing if there is any chance to reconnect.  I have always been the one to pick up the phone, I have always been the one to reach out. I told him the ball is in his court, and he now has to be the one to pick up the phone or reach out since he is choosing to continue to choose to show no interest in his son.  All he responded with after telling him this was, "K".

I guess I don't understand why I am like the animal that got rejected by the herd.  This is not a poor me and I don't want a poor me.  You will not hear me talk about this casually and that is why I am addressing it here.  I have questions that will probably never be answered.  It isn't fair, I have had my struggles and having a dad for support would've been appreciative.  I don't have that.  I do want to thank my family member for contacting me of the situation, because that is what family does and I am so appreciative that she did that.

I will continue to sort this out,  but it will not dominate my thoughts or my time,  because quite frankly, it isn't deserving of so much attention.  This isn't breaking news, I am numb to it because it has been a repeated pattern for many years, and I have to take care of me.  I wanted to address this not because I'm attention seeking.  I am not looking for people to feel sorry for me, because that is not what I want and it doesn't float my boat.  I just simply had this inside, and like I tell my students that I work with all the time, I needed to express my feelings appropriately.

My Friend, Curt Hiltbrunner

Recently, my good friend and former co-worker, Curt Hiltbrunner, recently passed away.  Now you have to understand that Curt had a fair amount of health issues, but he seemed to always come out of it every time in good shape.  So when I received the news this past Sunday morning that my good friend passed away from my wife, it blindsided me.  I was aware of Curt's most recent surgery from a post he made on Facebook back on May 7th.  In Curt fashion, he didn't make a big deal about it.  He, instead, just mentioned the procedure, and then finished it with Curt humor by saying, "I'm allergic to pain."  As always, I wished him a quick recovery and I just figured that everything would be fine, as it was dozens of time before.

I met Curt back in 2008 when I started working at Mille Lacs Academy School, which is part of Onamia Public Schools.  Curt had this small classroom, more like an office, where he would work with students individually.  Curt was a Special Education Teacher, and he worked with students who had a diagnosis of having a Learning Disability.  At the time, I didn't think much of it.  I saw that Curt   worked with these students very well.  I also saw a guy who really enjoyed his cat naps in the chair at his desk to fill the rest of his lunch time.  I honestly thought the naps could've of been a food coma sometimes, because he always put the rest of us to shame with his lunches.  It was like Manny's Steakhouse with all the fixings and trimmings every single day, it was impressive!  I remember telling him that he is lucky to have a wife that cooks so well for him, and he firmly responded with, "I'm the cook in the house!"

That comment introduced me to Curt's true character.  He was not afraid to speak his mind, but he also gave everyone a chance.  Like I mentioned, he worked very well with his students, and often times that was the key that gave the students he worked with a chance to get their lives back on track and being successful.  It wasn't until I worked with Curt, that I realized what the most important trait in working with students successfully is.  That trait being the single thing that is a make or break in working with students now, and it is the foundation of my beliefs in working with students today. That trait being relationships.  Curt was a master at building successful working relationships with his students.  It was a perfect combination of humor and believing in the student that made it work so effectively.  To be able to witness Curt in action in working with his students, was magical.

There was a time in my first year with the school that it was common that the paraprofessionals of our school often times had to fill in for the teachers when they were gone.  We didn't have access to substitutes to call in really, and we always took care of each other.  We had a teacher that needed to be gone for an extended number of days and it was for a classroom of students that were developmentally delayed, which at that time, was our most challenging classroom in the school.  There were no plans left by the teacher, and just to simply "wing it" was not an option.  So, for five straight days, Curt volunteered to cover the class and teach the students.  In fact, he and I did it together.  It was a blast, because we both were motivated and determined to make this experience a positive one for the students, and the engagement was amazing to witness, as you saw the students "buy in" because of that engagement.  That is when I considered Curt not only to be a mentor of mine, but also a friend, because he never saw me as someone less than him.  He didn't identify me as a paraprofessional and him as the teacher.  He saw me as an equal and always treated me that way.  Curt treated everyone like that at Mille Lacs Academy School.

I remember about seven years ago or so, after Mille Lacs Academy School moved into a new building, Curt had this big classroom to himself.  When I say big, I mean it was probably three or four times bigger than the office room he had at the school when it was located at the Crosier Center in Onamia.  Even Curt admitted that it was too big for what he needed.  Even making his personal desk space bigger, getting a bigger and more comfy chair for his desk, and bringing in his own personal refrigerator didn't help use up all the space.  All it did was make him shut off the lights, close his door, and he was set for every fire drill that he refused to evacuate for.  As the student base at the school changed, Curt's caseload was increasing and the number of student needs also increased as the school was getting more and more students with a diagnosis of having a Learning Disability.  It was becoming more difficult for Curt to meet with every student individually, but yet he had more space that was being unused.  I remember the day when another paraprofessional at the school, Cheri Kunesh, and I went to review student IEPs to see how many students that were currently enrolled needed the services that Curt offered.  The result was more than ever before, and we pitched the idea to Curt to develop and convert his classroom into an academic resource room, and he was on board with idea from the word go and he became actively involved in making this a reality.  This change meant that Curt's workload was going to increase dramatically and that he would potentially have to work with more than one student at a time.  He never criticized it, and never even questioned it.  He liked the idea because it was simply a way to help more kids.  I was lucky as I got to work directly with Curt in that academic resource room for multiple years.  I was lucky because it gave me multiple years of learning the importance of building relationships with students and how to do it effectively.

Finally, I want to finish this celebration of Curt by talking about his brutal honesty.  Like I said, Curt never intended to be purposely offensive and cared about everyone, especially his family.  His brutal honesty often times brought the loud laughs and the greatest humor.  I remember hearing from my fellow teachers about a time when Curt was at Special Education training in Little Falls and he was first in line when it came to lunchtime.  Like I talked about earlier before, the meals that Curt brought for lunch, really put an emphasis on how important lunch was to him.  So, lunch was provided at the training.  When the hosts brought out the food, Curt asked them what it was.  He was told that it was some kind of pasta salad.  His response was, "Yuck!  I am not eating that crap, I'm going to Burger King!"  He then went on to throw his paper plate and plastic silverware down on the table and walked out and went to Burger King.  On a side note, he had his nice name tag on that said he was Curt Hiltbrunner from Onamia Public Schools on.  I laugh to this day about this story, because it fits Curt perfectly when describing him.  Most importantly, the impact he made on me was the ability to laugh, enjoy life, and he gave me great tools for me to continue to work with students today.

Curt loved his family more than anything and he was clear about that at work, especially when it came to his grandchildren.  Curt was proud of everyone of them, and I share their sadness as we celebrate his life.  Thank you.