Hello everyone. I miss my other side of my family. For the past twenty years, I have essentially been estranged from my father's side of the family. This really isn't much by my choosing, but instead it was more forced on me than anything.
I had a falling out with my father when I was just eighteen years old. When I graduated high school, I really was a lost graduate. My parents went through an ugly divorce, which I was put in the middle of often, and no one had any money saved for me to attend college. My parents were both making enough money financially where I was unable to qualify for any type of financial aid. Being 18 years old and having the stress of college cost placed on you is daunting.
I attempted to make best of the situation. I decided to start my college life by attending a cheaper option of North Hennepin Community College, and I was fine with that. I talked with my dad about being able to work for him at his auto body shop around my college classes. This was agreed on and this plan actually went into action. Everything was going well, and I was young and willing to help. It was also exposing me to the auto body industry to see if this was an interest I had for the future. After a couple of months of employment at my dad's shop, his detailer was no longer employed at the shop and my dad looked to me to handle the responsibility of detailing the cars right before they went back to the customer. I was ok with this and it was a skill I was willing to learn.
Then there was one day when I was out back behind the shop on a slower business day helping my dad with some of his personal belongings that he had stored on the property. One of the things that we were moving on this day was that big giant satellite dish that he used to have in the yard of his Maple Grove home that was on Rice Lake. It was obsolete and he was getting rid of it. It was huge, it was heavy, and I was caught off guard at how heavy it was. While I was standing on the trailer that was connected to his truck or whatever he was using to pull the trailer. While I was lifting this heavy thing of metal, my dad pulled the truck slightly ahead. This caused me to lose my grip of this heavy satellite dish, and forced me to act quick so this thing didn't land on top of me. After the satellite dish was secure, I got off the trailer and was in sudden pain as I took my first step. I knew something wasn't right, and I don't like going to the doctor. The pain persisted so I had to go to the doctor to see what had happened. In your hip you have a bursa sac that protects the hip joint and I had a diagnosis of tearing my right bursa sac. The treatment required for this injury was to participate in physical therapy for two or three times a week for 8 to 12 weeks. If you know me, I am not one to baby myself or cry foul at any little injury. After the diagnosis and treatment suggestions, I went back to my dad and told him what I needed to do. He was unwilling to work with me and simply told me that it wasn't going to work because he needed a detailer. So, that was the end of my employment with his business and there was no follow up attempt to talk about things or fix things.
I won't lie, I was hurt and angry and I was 18 years old and didn't understand why my own dad didn't want to see if I was ok or why he didn't want this fixed. I moved on in life and just accepted the cards that had been dealt to me. Prior to this, I feel I had a strong relationship with everyone on the Sarych side of the family, and everyone treated me with respect and I missed that.
I went through many years of being lost and not having much of a support system and that was hard. At the time when I went through it, I didn't realize how much it was affecting me or how truly lost I had become because of it.
Then there was my sister Molly. I knew that she was too young to understand what was going on and I hated the fact that I lost my relationship with my sister because of these actions.
In my communications with my dad in the last five years that we were in communication, he was very good about not accepting responsibility for his part. I admit it, I was 18 years old... I was a young, dumb kid that probably had a big ego and probably acted like I knew everything, just like many 18 year olds do. So, I didn't try to fix it, because I knew the stance my dad was going to take, which blaming me for what had went down. Instead of blowing it out of proportion and "making a scene", I just let it go. At the time, I felt I didn't have many options. I wish my dad had been more willing to give me more options.
I got married in the 2006. I hadn't sent out any invitations to the Sarych Family because of where things currently stood. I honestly felt like my dad had given his version of the story to everyone in the family and that is the story that was going to be believed. I felt that if I took an attempt to tell my side... I felt like I wouldn't have been heard, because I felt like I didn't have a voice and that people wouldn't care. So, a couple of weeks prior to my wedding, my wife Kari wanted me to reach out to my dad because she felt that it was important to invite him and give him the choice to be at his son's wedding. So, I did. It is hard to reconnect with someone after so many years, especially when there hadn't been one attempt to contact me. I was hurt, but I respected my wife's wishes and I got a hold of my dad to meet prior to the wedding. We met at Maynard's Restaurant in Rogers, MN and it didn't go well. My dad was upset with me, blaming me for the falling out, and blaming me for the affect that the falling out had on Molly. This is not what I wanted to address at this meeting as this was the first time my dad was meeting my wife. At one point, it got so heated that I had to get up and walk out of the restaurant. I was pissed off. I didn't understand why this had to continue on. I didn't understand why my dad wanted to battle with me. I didn't know if it was a carry over from the ugly divorce with my mom, I just didn't know. My wife ended up telling my dad that she was the one that wanted to meet him prior to us getting married and that I made the effort to contact him and try to make this a go and a positive experience and also to try and move forward from the past. It didn't go that way.
I still invited him to the wedding and I was especially excited to see my Uncle Joe, Uncle David, and Aunt Frosty at my wedding. I really missed them and was thrilled to have them all the way up in Baudette, Minnesota (six hours north of the Twin Cities) to celebrate my big day with me. I remember that I spent most of one night sitting in the hotel room visiting with the Sarych's. I missed that.
It has been almost 10 years since my wedding day and there still has been no progress in improving my relationship with my dad. I have basically written off the opportunity to fix it and that is sad. I work with kids everyday and I see how important a dad is and I often ask myself why I never got to have that after I was 18. There were a few encounters where I ran into my dad at places. There was an encounter at a local bar and grill just north of Milaca in 2011. The bar and grill was just about a mile from our new home that we purchased in 2010. When I saw him, I said hello and invited him to come down the road to see our first new home. My dad responded with, "maybe some other time" and left. I was hurt.
I most recently ran into my dad last fall at Broadway Pizza in Garrison, Minnesota and I was notified by my wife that he was sitting on the other side of the wall in the restaurant. I could have very easily avoided my dad, but I chose not to. I said hello, I shook his hand, and I was respectful. We did small talk about life, but several times he asked me how many years it had been since we talked. I could tell by the conversation that this was an attempt to continue the disastrous conversation that took place at Maynard's 10 years ago, and I wasn't going to engage in that. In the 10 years since that conversation, I worked with youth in a treatment setting that went through very abusive and unhealthy home situations and I was exposed to the treatment practices that were necessary for these youth to become healthy. Unfortunately, I could relate with some of the situations these youth were going through with the poor relationships with their parents. I learned the ability to identify the art of manipulation, playing a victim role, the responsibility of accountability, and the unhealthy approaches to correcting an unhealthy relationship. So, I wasn't going to engage in the argument again. I didn't have it in me, and I wasn't going to just accept the blame for the past twenty years. There were times where I wanted my dad to be the parent and contact me, but that never happened. I have always been willing to talk, but more importantly to take accountability for my choices that could've been better. However, I wasn't going to take accountability for everything that occurred, because it takes two to disagree.
I write this today, because I miss having the other side of my family. My last name is Sarych and I feel so disconnected from this family name. I miss everyone in the Sarych family and I have much respect for all of you. I would like to reopen my relationships with this side of the family, I just don't know where I stand with all of you. I don't know what my dad has told you and how much blame was placed on me. I am at a point in my life where I know how to be appropriate and respectful, and I also know how to hold people accountable for their choices, including my own. If you knew me, you would know that I don't have time for drama. Our society is so full of drama and people tend to get hung up on it and that is just not me. I am one who looks forward and understands that what has occurred in the past can't be undone. I wish it was different. I can only hope that from this moment on and moving forward that my family on the Sarych side wants to interact with me again. Like I mentioned at the beginning of this, I miss my family on the Sarych side. I cannot promise that I will ever have a relationship with my dad ever again, because there needs to be accountability on both sides, but I guess I am wondering if anyone, that I am reaching out to, is still interested in reconnecting with me? I would like to know. I am Facebook friends with Debbie, Karen, and Jeff and they will receive this first. I hope they pass it on to everyone else in the Sarych Family who knows me. I have wanted to do this for sometime, but I had to be in the right frame of mind to talk about this, some of which is very uncomfortable. I look forward to hearing from all of you and I hope all is well
Tim Sarych
#family
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