Express Your Feelings Appropriately

I don't know, I just don't know.  I find myself just not knowing how to express my feelings appropriately on this one.  I work with students day in and day out and I find myself telling them often to express their feelings appropriately.  I tell them not to bottle it up inside because it will find a way out and that usually comes out sideways.  I am using some common vocabulary from within the walls of the Refocus Room at my job, which to many outside the walls of where I work, sounds a little foreign.

Usually when something comes out sideways, it isn't positive.  More than likely it comes out angry, hurt, or with some type of sadness.  This is where I kind of find myself right now, even though I don't really want to, and it isn't really deserving of that kind of attention.  I will explain...

I recently was notified by a relative on my biological father's side of the family, and I was asked if I had talked to him recently.  I responded by saying that it had been a while and that I don't think there is much interest there to recover a relationship.  Believe me when I say that I know how important a father is in a child's life, but yet I understand when there are circumstances that require a parent to not be in the picture.  It was brought to my attention that my dad had a potentially serious health issue going on and I thought I would reach out to him after receiving the news.  Now, as I have mentioned before in a previous blog post,  Open Letter To The Sarych Family , I have made several attempts to reconnect with my dad.  While there were a couple of meals, and brief encounters, nothing ever came of that, which is unfortunate.

My dad and I never truly saw eye to eye, but I was always willing to reason.  Since the fallout, I have learned that it isn't about who did what wrong, and it isn't about calling out the other and blaming them.  I know that I didn't make all the right choices, but neither did he.  My dad did come to my wedding in 2006, but never showed the interest to "be involved", or pick up the phone.

So, with this recent news, I picked up the phone and called him.  He answered with, "Hello, this is Mike."  So, I talked to him briefly.  You could tell that he wasn't interested in the phone call as the cold tone could've been grabbed right through the phone.  I asked him what is new and I asked him about his health situation.  He quickly explained what was to happen, and then quickly ended with well I will let you go.  I am a pretty good reader of feelings as that is part of my job on a daily basis, and that conversation by my dad was as emotionally free as it gets.  I was not surprised, but I thought with a potential health crisis in the near future, that it would put the big picture in perspective.  I was not upset after the brief phone conversation, because I have become numb to this situation constantly turning out this way.  I just didn't understand.

In that phone conversation, I offered to be at the hospital in person for support.  I also asked for him to call me after his next doctor appointment with an update of what the plan is.  All my intentions were was to be supportive.  I was understanding that this situation was being classified as a 9 out of 10 on the risk factor, so I put everything in the past and behind and simply opened the door by asking if he wanted me there.  He told me no.  I also did not get any follow up phone calls after the appointment which left me in the dark.  So, I continued to reach out and I texted him to see what the update was.  The reason why I sent a text instead of making another call was that I didn't want it to be uncomfortable for him and cause any extra stress.  So when I sent the text, I got a response saying that things were not as serious as once thought and surgery was not needed.  He stated it was a relief. I responded by saying, "I bet it is,"  and then it went dead air.  So, I took the plunge and asked him if he had any interest in reconnecting with me at all.  He responded with "I don't want to answer that right now."  I told him that I felt like the timing was appropriate as health situations tend to make people look at the big picture.  I told him that it is now his choosing if there is any chance to reconnect.  I have always been the one to pick up the phone, I have always been the one to reach out. I told him the ball is in his court, and he now has to be the one to pick up the phone or reach out since he is choosing to continue to choose to show no interest in his son.  All he responded with after telling him this was, "K".

I guess I don't understand why I am like the animal that got rejected by the herd.  This is not a poor me and I don't want a poor me.  You will not hear me talk about this casually and that is why I am addressing it here.  I have questions that will probably never be answered.  It isn't fair, I have had my struggles and having a dad for support would've been appreciative.  I don't have that.  I do want to thank my family member for contacting me of the situation, because that is what family does and I am so appreciative that she did that.

I will continue to sort this out,  but it will not dominate my thoughts or my time,  because quite frankly, it isn't deserving of so much attention.  This isn't breaking news, I am numb to it because it has been a repeated pattern for many years, and I have to take care of me.  I wanted to address this not because I'm attention seeking.  I am not looking for people to feel sorry for me, because that is not what I want and it doesn't float my boat.  I just simply had this inside, and like I tell my students that I work with all the time, I needed to express my feelings appropriately.